This is not an isolated story;
rather, it reflects a common psychological condition among modern individuals
living in a world preoccupied with social recognition. However, Alfred Adler,
one of the three major pillars of twentieth-century psychology, proposed a
revolutionary framework of thought intended to liberate individuals from this
state of psychological dependency.
Separation of Tasks: The Key to
Relieving Social Pressure
In the history of psychology, the
contrast between the theory of etiology proposed by Sigmund Freud and
the principle of teleology advocated by Alfred Adler represents a major
turning point in understanding the nature of human behavior. Freud argued that
an individual’s present is shaped by past experiences and psychological trauma.
In contrast, Adler contended that human beings are not determined by what has
happened to them, but by the goals toward which they strive.
One of the central concepts of
Adlerian psychology is Separation of Tasks. Adler argued that most
interpersonal conflicts arise because we interfere with the tasks of others or
allow others to interfere with our own. When psychological boundaries become blurred,
relationship Locus of Control. Individuals with an internal locus of control
believe they can influence the outcomes of their lives and tend to exhibit
better psychological well-being. Separation of tasks helps individuals
reestablish boundaries of control, allowing them to focus on what they can
change while accepting what belongs to the decisions of others.
The principle of Separation of
Tasks is clearly illustrated in the proverb: “You can lead a horse to water,
but you cannot make it drink.” Self-change is always the responsibility of
the individual. For example, whether a child studies or not is fundamentally
the child’s task, because the child ultimately bears the consequences of
lacking knowledge. Parents may support or encourage, but coercion often leads
to resistance and weakens the relationship.
Therefore, relinquishing the tasks
of others is not an act of selfishness but rather an act of psychological
liberation. When individuals develop the courage to be disliked and accept that
how others evaluate them is their responsibility, social pressure diminishes
significantly and life becomes freer.
Abandoning the Need for
Recognition: The Courage to Be Disliked
The desire for recognition is an
important evolutionary motivation that helped human ancestors maintain their
place within social groups. However, when this need becomes the central driving
force of psychological life, it can transform life into a form of psychological
servitude.
Adler emphasized a liberating
principle: “You are not living to satisfy the expectations of others, and
others are not living to satisfy yours.” (Kishimi & Koga, 2018).
Attempting to please everyone is not only impossible but also leads to the loss
of personal identity.
In behavioral psychology, the fear
of judgment often leads to the mechanism of self-handicapping, in which
individuals create obstacles for themselves to justify potential failure and
protect their self-esteem. Thus, the courage to be disliked is not a
confrontational attitude toward society, but rather a natural consequence of
practicing the separation of tasks: individuals live authentically according to
their own lives, while whether others admire or judge them becomes their task.
Energeia: Living Fully in the
Here and Now
In everyday thinking, people often
perceive life as a linear progression in which the present merely serves as a steppingstone
toward a future goal. This perspective causes much of life to be treated as a
temporary phase before happiness is achieved.
Adler rejected this view and
proposed the concept of Energeia, in which the process of living itself
constitutes the result. Life is not a continuous straight line but rather a
sequence of independent moments unfolding one after another. Like a dance, the
dancer does not move in order to reach a destination, but the purpose lies in
the act of dancing itself.
This philosophy parallels two
important concepts in modern psychology: Flow and Mindfulness. Psychologist
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi described the state of flow as optimal
concentration, in which individuals become completely immersed in an activity
and experience intrinsic satisfaction. Meanwhile, Mindfulness is described as
the psychological capacity that enables individuals to remain fully present
with their current experiences, observing thoughts and emotions without being
carried away by them.
When individuals illuminate the
present moment with their attention, the past and the future gradually lose
their power of control. This perspective does not deny what has occurred in the
past; rather, it affirms that the past does not possess the authority to
determine our behavior in the present moment.
Social Interest: The Ultimate
Goal of Happiness
In Adlerian psychology, happiness
is not understood as personal self-satisfaction or detachment from society.
Instead, it is defined through Social Interest, the capacity to perceive
oneself as a meaningful part of a broader social network. According to Adler,
individuals truly experience fulfillment only when they feel that they belong
to a community and play a constructive role within it. Thus, happiness is not
purely an individual achievement but the result of psychological integration
between the individual and society.
To reach this state, Adler
described a developmental process beginning with self-acceptance. This does not
involve self-deception regarding one’s abilities, but rather the ability to
acknowledge unchangeable limitations while focusing efforts on aspects that can
be improved. When individuals achieve realistic self-acceptance, they can
progress to the next stage: confidence in others. This requires viewing other
people not as competitors but as allies coexisting within a shared community.
From these two foundations,
individuals can move toward the final stage: contribution to others. According
to Adler, the feeling that one is useful to someone else constitutes the
psychological source of enduring happiness. When individuals recognize that
their actions generate value for the community, they experience a sense of
meaning that extends beyond personal benefit. Consistent with this perspective,
research in social psychology indicates that individuals who engage in
activities that benefit the community report significantly higher levels of
life satisfaction than those who focus solely on personal gain (Myers, 2010).
Conclusion
The philosophy presented in The
Courage to Be Disliked suggests that freedom and happiness are not rewards
granted by society, but choices that require personal courage. Individuals must
take responsibility for their own lives rather than attributing their
circumstances to past trauma or the judgments of others.
Yet the profound paradox within
Adler’s philosophy is that personal freedom does not lead to isolation. On the
contrary, only when individuals possess the courage to live independently of
social expectations can they genuinely connect with others. In other words, a
person must first learn to stand firmly within the responsibility for their own
life before they can truly belong to society.
Freedom, therefore, is not the act
of escaping the community, but the capacity to exist within it authentically as
oneself.
References
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